Dear Sara,
Heyyyy, it's the rabbit. Gorie, but my name is kind of stupid so let's just stick to calling me rabbit. I was nibbling on the corners of your agenda book recently, and I couldn't help but notice that you are long overdue for a--AH WHAT WAS THAT NOISE. Is it... is it a scary thing? No? Not scary? Normal? You're sure, because it sounded scary, like a person walking or something. No? Okay.
Anyway I was eating your calendar, and I noticed you're pretty long overdue for a gynecological exam. Now, I really don't mean to pry or anything. See, I respect personal boundaries, unlike some people with scary sharp things who try and grab at my toenails once every six weeks, for some reason I can't remember because I tend to black out when I get flipped over on my back-- a most discourteous and humiliating tactic, I might add. But, I'm worried about you and-ANOTHER NOISE. IS IT A SCARY NOISE? Are you sure it's not a scary noise because you're petting me like it's a scary noise, and I should be scared of the noise? No? Did someone drop something, or a door close slightly too hard? No? Nothing? It was absolutely nothing? Okay, I'm just going to stamp on the floor a few times just in case. I just want everyone to be vigilant, okay? Just a quick stamp. Great. Stamp, stamp, stamp. Cool.
Basically, I just noticed that the moment I was old enough to get my privates sewn up by the evil veterinarian, you would just too happy to "take care of me" and "keep me safe from disease". I practically got whiplash when you ran to make an appointment to neuter me, and that's basically impossible because of my creepy neck that's like tumbling over itself with bunny fur.
I mean, I can understand why you're nervous. It can be really scary to be completely unfamiliar with a new environment, surrounded by ferocious and strange animals overnight in a glorified closet, stuffed in a box filled with hay and your own excrement after having your insides mangled by a weird-smelling new human. Oh... I'm sorry? That's not what the gynecologist is like? You don't have to stay overnight, terrified and alone? You generally don't have your insides sewn up? They don't put you in a box of poop overnight surrounded by scary strangers? Well then maybe you should just buck up, girlfriend, because OH MY GOD ANOTHER NOISE.
Rabbit.
