So sometimes when I'm perusing the internets and I come across some blatantly offensive piece of garbage from some fat cat Yale graduate assuring the masses that they don't have to pay decent tips if their waiter or waitress works their asses off for them but just happens to be a particular type of annoying (by this gentleman's definition: "existing in any sense of the word"), well, damn it, I'm going to write a letter. And so I did. And so here it is, and I will continue to update this post if there are any further developments:
(By the way, the article was in The New York Post--I know, I know, my quest for justice knows no bounds--, and it was called some combination of "You got served!", so I've been told. All the text I could make out through my blinding white-hot rage was "I, Kyle Smith, am a Pig, Exhibit A".)
It begins:
Kyle Smith,
Since you were so generous with your advice to wait staff in general (not a specific waiter, of course, but just a kind of general attack on people who wait tables, i.e. a large portion of the working class), allow me to give you some pointers, as I've kindly noticed that you suck at your job, as well.
This entire article is a long, bitchy whine to a fictitious server that happens to encompass all the traits that annoy you about servers as individuals, instead of an open letter about the actual system that forces waiters to be slaves to the patron's discretion about tips. As if it's a server's fault that (s)he needs to be up your ass or (s)he loses money. It's absolutely clear that you would never have the guts to actually tell a server BEFORE service begins that you're going to cheat them out of their fair earnings, which would be a slightly less spineless thing to do, and might succeed in getting a server to totally leave you alone, as you seem to want.
You definitely don't have any "server friend" or whoever you supposedly had a conversation with about spitting in food or throwing a steak on the floor, because nobody actually does that. It's what comfortable, privileged little boys believe servers do because they saw it in a movie once and have never actually spoken to a server long enough to discover that a slip-up even close to that would get them fired in a second, (not even mentioning the kind of outright insolent and unsanitary behavior like throwing food around or spitting in it) because wait staff are completely disposable in this system: another reason they are vying so desperately for not only tips, but to keep their damn jobs.
This article is a testament to your being some douchebag who's never worked a real day in your life (and even if you have put in some amount of time "working" as a clerk or something somewhere, you still don't know what it means to be desperate for that job because you always had your family to swoop in and save you if things got a little too rough), here to tell us how to do our jobs and also all about your yearly romps in France, spent ordering in restaurants. Oh, and FYI, French servers leave you alone because they don't have to work for tips and they get amazing benefits from their government, and it's fucking impossible to fire a French worker in France. Not because French people are somehow inherently less annoying than Americans or whatever you're attempting to imply--you even touch on the actual problem with our system of wages for servers in this bit about the French, and then you blast right past it as it soars over your head because you'd rather just attack individual people who annoy you, while trying to just do their jobs. You're taking a disenfranchised portion of society, the labor class, and sneering at them because they don't act exactly according to your prissy, finicky needs when you're dining in THEIR workplace, and then reveling in the fact that you have some control over the wages of people paid NOTHING to grovel at your feet.
You're an absolute fucking troll with no real life experience and I sincerely hope that people stop feeding you, literally. In every eating establishment you enter. I hope you take this little note on how to do YOUR job correctly without being such a princess, since you're obviously the one who needs the help, not servers. I hope you realize the image you've created for yourself; that of a spoiled, fat little pig lavishing in the service of others and squealing about how it's not up to some secret standard that is entirely specific to you and your dining experience.
Enjoy the benefits of cheaper food that comes from the minuscule wages of the staff, and I hope you feel good about yourself while stiffing them on the portion of their salary that relies on the kindness of strangers. Yeah, it's not a gift that you're giving them; it's part of their salary that the social contract demands you pay if you're a decent human being. If only someone would pay YOU less for doing a shitty job, then maybe we wouldn't have articles like this piece of garbage cluttering up our news.
Sara Florence Fellini
Kyle kindly responded to me, attempting to deflect his obvious ignorance with politesse, all while bemoaning "these people" who just don't understand comedy like he does:
Thanks for reading. I'm a little surprised to see people getting upset about a comedy riff that is exaggerated for effect. (At the Post, we call them "rants," as in, "Could you do a rant on people who block subway doors?") The whole point of a rant is that it's unreasonable. "I went to the restaurant, had some minor quibbles about a few things and left an 18 percent tip" is not a comic rant. I don't think anyone takes Louis C.K. too seriously when he does a routine about hating his own children (even if you don't find him funny). He exaggerates and people who are mildly frustrated with their children get a laugh out of it. Judging by the more than seven thousand Facebook likes my rant generated, I'd say most people took it in the spirit in which it was intended.
I've been a busboy myself and my mom helped pay my way through college by waiting tables, so I'm not unaware of what it's like to be on your feet all day. My piece was mostly an exaggerated portrayal of a specific type of overly obsequious waiter, based on a few I've encountered, but I have tipped them normally because obviously they're just doing their job and it's the system. (Which is why I bring up France, where there is a different system). I threw in the 11 percent thing not because that's how much I tip (again: No one wants to hear about my ordinary restaurant experience because it isn't funny) but because otherwise I couldn't think of a suitably comic/curmudgeonly way to close the piece (which originally ended with the preceding sentence). 11 seemed a weirdly specific, miserly number that struck me as funny.
In other words, the whole thing is just a joke.
Kyle
And I retorted:
While I and other readers may not be specifically familiar with the Post's "rants", don't think that the style isn't immediately apparent as self-congratulating and masturbatory, a writing technique I'm sure your Yale educators are very proud of you implementing, at the expense of the working class.
The difference between Louis C.K.'s rants and yours is that there aren't thousands of child abusers liking his posts on facebook in actual support of child abuse. Meanwhile, I will guarantee you that the people loving YOUR article aren't wait staff or kitchen laborers, but the disconnected privileged class who thinks their tipping waiters is a "gift" because they don't fully understand the economics of the restaurant business. That's the difference between an effectual and talented satirist and a blow-hard using insulting language to garner page views.
Which again brings us to your "11% tip" thing... because while the whole thing is just a joke to YOU, it's NOT a joke to the servers who actually bring in those 11% tips, some of whom are supporting families or spouses (or sending a child to college) on those wages, and working their asses off to do it. There are people that should be made the butt of a joke, and these people aren't it. I'm glad that you just threw it in because you "couldn't think of" anything else. Again, I'm sure you make Yale proud by throwing the least amount of thought and effort into your published work as possible.... and the next time an energetic waiter gets an 11% tip after their patron was bolstered by this article with a false feeling of self-righteousness, he can thank you, as I'm sure he will.
Sara
Kyle did not respond again. I hope to continue this discussion on comedy in the 21st century in a subsequent post, please stay tuned.
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