"How to Feel Better When You Have a Cold (For Girls)", A Review

I don't know if anyone else traverses the dark and twisted world of Wikihow with the intensity and fervor that I do-- that of a bewildered but insatiable conquistador, searching for answers to my life's questions and not unwilling to rape the native wisdom for my own advantage-- but I've discovered in my virtual journeying that when you're in dire straits, Wikihow is like the fickle waves of the ocean... or like the fickle wiles of a woman. Or like, a fickle, wily ocean.

My metaphor has gotten away from me.

Suffice it to say that if you're idly browsing the web looking for ways to make a snake memo clip from a plastic straw or appreciate death metal, Wikihow will satisfy you beyond your wildest dreams. If, however, you are looking for a quick and reasonably sane way to do anything normal, I have disappointing news. You're going to have to wade through a veritable wily ocean of half-cocked well-wishers before you reach anything even halfway useful, and that's only if you ignore the Nazi insignia in the background of the home photo illustrations or the ambiguous sexual innuendo peppering your article on how to Attract Birds.

Sadly, I discovered this fact when I had a terrible fever and Wiki-howed a way to bring it down to a level I could possibly survive for more than a few hours. In my already confused and vulnerable state, I came across this natural disaster of a Wiki-how: How to Feel Better When You Have a Cold (For Girls), and I thought to myself: I have a cold, and I can also be qualified as a girl under the vagueness that term allows us in English, therefore fortune has shined upon me, if only the room would stop spinning long enough for me to read it.

Now, okay, granted, this Wiki-how is definitely not the weirdest or most mis-spelled or most clearly-a-magical-curse-on-the-reader, but I have a personal resentment against it because not only does it suck, and it most certainly does suck, but it sucks in such a long-winded, roundabout way that it is clearly a trap for the feverish minds it's supposed to be trying to help. Also, while I appreciate the attempt in the title to forewarn the reader that this is gonna be some stupid shit by specifying that it's "For Girls", as if girls have different colds than boys (maybe their phlegm is pink and rose-scented? Maybe their temperature reaches 143 and has an XOXO at the end? If so, you should really go to a hospital immediately if you are not dead already), it's really not enough of a red flag for me.

First off, I'd like to point out that this guide has twenty-two steps. Twenty-two. That is an incredible amount of steps. When I'm sick I can't even get through the two steps of 1) blowing my nose and 2) throwing my tissues out before I create a little diseased nest for myself inside my own bed. Twenty-two goddamn steps. Next, I'd like to point out that exactly five of the first ten steps are some form of "you should probably sleep at some point, or get ready to sleep", and the last eleven steps are how to take a "soaking" bath, which I guess is different from a regular bath in some way, and could be its own useless Wiki-how. Also one of the first eleven steps is to read the last eleven steps. That's not a joke.

There are an egregious amount of Tips. If Wiki-how Tips were a war crime, and this article certainly makes a fine case for that, these Tips would be an atrocity rivaling a Civil War battle... which is amazing considering that the author makes very little distinction between the "Steps", (which you'll recognize as numbered activities meant to be done, in some sort of order, to accomplish a kind of focused goal) and "Tips" (which are pointers, meant to aid you in accomplishing your goal of making the fever-ants stop crawling up your veins). So the entire article is just an absolute mess of disordered "Tips", that I can not stress enough, are completely, insultingly stupid. Things like "Don't take your teddy bear in the bath with you!" are given entire bullet points to themselves. In fact, I'm going to list some here, and why they are ridiculous.

-"Try going out and buying some Chap Stick"
Fuck you, Wiki-how. I am sick, I am not going anywhere, and this Tip falls between suggesting I take a bath and suggesting I not take a bath with a teddy bear.

-"Try buying a lavender-scented pillow"
WHERE the hell am I supposed to find a lavender scented pillow? That is something that would stress me out even if I wasn't poaching an egg in my mouth.

-"Do whatever you find relaxing in your spare time"
I didn't need a freaking Wiki-how to tell me to do what I already know how to do. You tell me what I find relaxing in my spare time, Wiki-how.

-"Avoid makeup. It will only make you feel more rubbish. (If you are a kid, ignore this tip!)"
Makeup for all the sick kids! Important note: this is the only mildly gender-specific tip on the list, so I guess this explains the title...?

Basically, I just hate this fucking Wiki-how and I wanted you to know about it. The only excuse for this Wiki-how is if it was actually written by me, during a nightmarish fever-dream, trying to cure myself of my own fever through a mystical and circuitous riddle.