Outright lies about art history

Gian Lorenzo Bernini was perhaps the most talented and influential sculptor of the Baroque era. His mastery of texture and tension flawlessly wove ancient classic traditions with contemporary conceptions of stagnant energy, potential movement. His brilliant designs balanced weight and empty space in sophisticated compositions, bodies and forms twisting and breathing in pristine, unpainted marble. Also, he was a huge dickbag.

If you can think of a statue or fountain in Rome that wasn't carved by Michelangelo di Buonarroti, it was carved by Gian Lorenzo Bernini. But the exquisite moulding of lifeless stone into sumptuous, tangible flesh was really just a hobby to Bernini, who preferred to concentrate most of his creative energy on being a lecherous, thieving bastard. 

He would consistently steal commissions from his rivals, even going so far as to take work outside of his field of expertise. When he heard the great architect Francesco Borromini was in line to design the Baldacchino (a free-standing chuppa-like bronze structure standing directly under the great dome in St. Peter's Basilica), Bernini got all up in that shit without even the slightest idea of how to make stuff stand up on its own. 

"More tassels! I have no idea what I'm doing."

Then, after Borromini had to step in and basically forge the entire thing himself-- saving Bernini the humiliation of failure and a hefty commission check-- Bernini still took all the credit and pretty much told Borromini to just go fuck himself. 

"Borromini? More like Borro-weenie, amiright, ladies?"

So Francesco Borromini had no high opinions of the man who defined a generation of marble pubic hair. But to the rest of seventeenth century Europe, Gian Lorenzo Bernini was the personification of hawtness.

Personification of hawtness.

He was charming, handsome, polite to the right people, and an exceptionally gifted artist. Until he was literally forced to marry by the goddamn Pope because he caused too much trouble as a single man, Bernini was like a liveried postillion with a post chaise.

Everybody gets a ride.

As of 1623 the female orgasm wouldn't be invented for at least another three hundred years yet, and many believe that Gian Lorenzo Bernini was a pioneer in this field thanks to his multitude of mistresses and nude female models. 

(Gian Lorenzo Bernini may cause hysterical paroxysm.)

One romantic debacle in particular featured a woman named Costanza Bonarelli. She was married to one of Bernini's assistants, and so we must assume the artist never worked on this slutty bust in the workshop:

Her name means "constancy". LOL

Seeing as Costanza was cheating on her husband with Bernini, it came as no surprise to anyone that she was also cheating on Bernini with another man. Except to Bernini. Bernini was surprised. Particularly because the other man was Bernini's own brother, Luigi. 

When Bernini discovered the sad truth that his cheating cheater girlfriend was cheating, he did what any completely sane and reasonable adult would do: he beat his brother half to death with a rod in the middle of the Vatican. More specifically, he went to the not-so-constant-Costanza and told her, while shifting his eyes left to right and rubbing his palms together, that he'd be out of town for the weekend. Yes, that's right... out of town. For the weekend. Then the master sculptor and defining artist of the Baroque era crouched in a bush outside to wait, likely muttering to himself and picking branches out of his pansied trunk hose. 

17th century fashions were not conducive to violent acts of desperation.

When Luigi showed up to deflower the Princess Peach, Bernini burst from concealment and chased him through the streets of Rome, brandishing a tire iron or something. Bernini caught up with his brother at St. Peter's Basilica and decided this was as good a place as any to attempted-murder his ass. 

Meanwhile, one of Bernini's cronies was arriving at Costanza's house to slash her face apart. 

This was before the invention of the peephole. Apparently.

After all the violence was over, Bernini received a small fine for his crimes and was forced to marry a wealthy daughter of Italian nobility, with whom he fathered like twenty children. 

But Bernini's work began to suffer when he wasn't seducing your wife and eldest daughter, and his lack of architectural skill or knowledge caught up with him when he designed an entirely retarded addition to the Vatican. It was thankfully ended mid-construction when our old friend Borromini pointed out its inherent flaws, such as "sinking into the ground" and "cracking at the foundation". It was the biggest failure of Bernini's career until he died at the horny old age of 82. 

When a piece of the Vatican chipped off and crushed him to death. [citation needed]