I have a French textbook that could not hate the French any more than it does without being written in the 1940s, which it was, so it's actually pretty tame, considering.
In reality, it's a re-issue of a textbook that was originally written in 1941, with exactly nothing changed besides the date of issue and a few of the more controversial translation exercises sampled from the Elders of Zion replaced.
With this text, you can discover what Queen Elizabeth looked like back when she was considerably hotter through a shaky Xeroxed charcoal drawing, you can realize that despite what you've experienced in your entire lifetime a watch goes not on your wrist, but dans la poche, and of course, you can learn the very useful vocabulary needed to take a boat to Paris. From America. A boat, from New York to Paris... Again, a fucking boat.
The book sets the tone right at the beginning, with a drawn-out passage on how to pronounce many French sounds that's basically an angry drunken tirade about how French people talk English wrong. "You know how when French people are trying to say "the" and they use a z or a d instead of a "th" because they don't know how to talk? Do that. And like, talk through your nose like you're too good to drink my seven-dollar bottle of wine, and then make a pass at someone's wife. There, you're French. La-di-da. No you've had enough, Pierre. I'll leave when I'm good and ready...."
When exploring the complicated "si" clause, in which "si" is translated as "if"and some complex verb conjugations are sometimes utilized, the textbook uses the example "If the Frenchman showered more, the American girls would like him better."
But more than Racist French Textbook hates French people (and Racist French Textbook really hates French people) Racist French Textbook hates.... Racist French Textbook. As evidenced in this totally unnecessary quote demonstrating the seldom-used passive voice: "Hier soir, j'ai été trouvé dans la rue.": "Last night, I was found in the street."
Pull yourself together, French textbook. Do it for the English.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Character Study of My Rabbit
My rabbit's name is Killgore Destructo 3000. She lives up to this incredible name only in regards to all of my personal items, which she has gnawed with the fury of a Liam Neeson rabbit, taking vengeance on the bra straps and decorative baskets that kidnapped his entire family.
Basically, she's just your typical skinny vegan bitch living in Brooklyn-- she won't touch anything inorganic that hasn't been bought from the gourmet grocer that leaves all the kale on the stalks, and she is coked up like a motherfucker. She'll jump up on the bed in the middle of the night like HEY WHAT'RE YOU GUYS DOING UP HERE CAUSE I WAS JUST HOPPING AROUND AND STUFF LIKE I DO AND I FIGURED YOU'D TOTALLY WANT TO GET IN ON THAT. DID YOU HEAR THAT NOISE???? BUT HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THIS YOUR FACE? SHOULD I PUT MY TINY RAZOR NAILS ALL OVER IT? AND OH MY GOD YOUR HAIR IS SO GREAT CAN I JUST TAKE A LITTLE TINY NIBBLE? BUT ACTUALLY DON'T PICK ME UP THOUGH MY BELLY IS SENSITIVE. OMG WHAT WAS THAT NOISE ARE WE GONNA DIE?????
And she totally does eat my hair, though. Originally my mattress just sat on the floor like a typical Brooklynite hobo bed, but I had to actually go out and buy a bed frame like a human after it became clear that if left to her own devices my rabbit would absolutely eat all of my hair off of my head while I slept, which is like... nuts, you know? Who eats hair? It's like a psycho killer thing to do. Thank God I have hair like a damn mermaid or it might've been a much bigger deal.
No but I lied before when I said that she didn't live up to her name, because she actually does mutilate Julien on a fairly regular basis. She originally bit him within minutes of knowing him, and has continued a pattern of abuse that I can't help but bring to his attention when he's scratching behind her ears and she's just purring away like the self-satisfied little monster that she is. She doesn't even purr in any kind of cute way, she just makes a little clicking noise in her nose like a fucking weirdo.
Julien currently has two complete puncture holes in one of his eyes. You read that correctly; the love of my life woke up to a bloody, bleeding goddamn eye after this little beast jumped directly onto his face in the middle of the night like some kind of furry Predator face-baby. It's true that the scar makes him look like a super badass, like a tiny vampire attacked his face-- that is until he has to admit that he lost a fight to a terrified, hopping bag of meat.
Still, all he does is sit silently like an angel, nursing his bloody wounds, while I barricade my bed with a bunny gate, by which I mean that we are actually in a cage all night while she hops around eating her poop and taking tiny micro-naps with her fucking eyes open.
Basically, she's just your typical skinny vegan bitch living in Brooklyn-- she won't touch anything inorganic that hasn't been bought from the gourmet grocer that leaves all the kale on the stalks, and she is coked up like a motherfucker. She'll jump up on the bed in the middle of the night like HEY WHAT'RE YOU GUYS DOING UP HERE CAUSE I WAS JUST HOPPING AROUND AND STUFF LIKE I DO AND I FIGURED YOU'D TOTALLY WANT TO GET IN ON THAT. DID YOU HEAR THAT NOISE???? BUT HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THIS YOUR FACE? SHOULD I PUT MY TINY RAZOR NAILS ALL OVER IT? AND OH MY GOD YOUR HAIR IS SO GREAT CAN I JUST TAKE A LITTLE TINY NIBBLE? BUT ACTUALLY DON'T PICK ME UP THOUGH MY BELLY IS SENSITIVE. OMG WHAT WAS THAT NOISE ARE WE GONNA DIE?????
And she totally does eat my hair, though. Originally my mattress just sat on the floor like a typical Brooklynite hobo bed, but I had to actually go out and buy a bed frame like a human after it became clear that if left to her own devices my rabbit would absolutely eat all of my hair off of my head while I slept, which is like... nuts, you know? Who eats hair? It's like a psycho killer thing to do. Thank God I have hair like a damn mermaid or it might've been a much bigger deal.
No but I lied before when I said that she didn't live up to her name, because she actually does mutilate Julien on a fairly regular basis. She originally bit him within minutes of knowing him, and has continued a pattern of abuse that I can't help but bring to his attention when he's scratching behind her ears and she's just purring away like the self-satisfied little monster that she is. She doesn't even purr in any kind of cute way, she just makes a little clicking noise in her nose like a fucking weirdo.
Julien currently has two complete puncture holes in one of his eyes. You read that correctly; the love of my life woke up to a bloody, bleeding goddamn eye after this little beast jumped directly onto his face in the middle of the night like some kind of furry Predator face-baby. It's true that the scar makes him look like a super badass, like a tiny vampire attacked his face-- that is until he has to admit that he lost a fight to a terrified, hopping bag of meat.
Still, all he does is sit silently like an angel, nursing his bloody wounds, while I barricade my bed with a bunny gate, by which I mean that we are actually in a cage all night while she hops around eating her poop and taking tiny micro-naps with her fucking eyes open.
Why, hello!
I woke up this morning to a breakfast of old wine and a chocolate bar, and I thought to myself: Hey, I'm like one of those clever memes of sassy life observations juxtaposed with old-timey sketches of fancy people! I should be on the Internet, and why not? I am both sassy and fancy and sometimes old-timey if I've been re-reading The Great Gatsby again.
So here, for your entertainment (but more so that I have a place to write my stream-of-consciousness observations in a more useful and organized way while I "work on" hopefully more creative ideas) I will be detailing my boring, boring life in a sexy and amusing fashion that you will love. You'll just love it, stay tuned.
For instance, maybe I will build a hideous and shitty "aquaponics" (not a word, I assume they mean "hydroponics") system that I saw on Wikihow. More likely, I will not do that and I will instead mercilessly mock the writer of that particular article. "Bell siphons can be tricky to get working". You think I don't know that, Wikihow? You wanna throw down about aquatic animal habitats, because I'm not so sure that you do.
Perhaps I will do a non-biased character study of several ex-boyfriends. Perhaps I will do one about my rabbit, and we can discover together if peeing next to the litter box while inside said litter box qualifies as a neurological disorder. Maybe I'll just list the items in the room around me, who knows? You will. You will know, when you read and religiously follow this blog.
Let's begin.
So here, for your entertainment (but more so that I have a place to write my stream-of-consciousness observations in a more useful and organized way while I "work on" hopefully more creative ideas) I will be detailing my boring, boring life in a sexy and amusing fashion that you will love. You'll just love it, stay tuned.
For instance, maybe I will build a hideous and shitty "aquaponics" (not a word, I assume they mean "hydroponics") system that I saw on Wikihow. More likely, I will not do that and I will instead mercilessly mock the writer of that particular article. "Bell siphons can be tricky to get working". You think I don't know that, Wikihow? You wanna throw down about aquatic animal habitats, because I'm not so sure that you do.
Perhaps I will do a non-biased character study of several ex-boyfriends. Perhaps I will do one about my rabbit, and we can discover together if peeing next to the litter box while inside said litter box qualifies as a neurological disorder. Maybe I'll just list the items in the room around me, who knows? You will. You will know, when you read and religiously follow this blog.
Let's begin.
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