My rabbit's name is Killgore Destructo 3000. She lives up to this incredible name only in regards to all of my personal items, which she has gnawed with the fury of a Liam Neeson rabbit, taking vengeance on the bra straps and decorative baskets that kidnapped his entire family.
Basically, she's just your typical skinny vegan bitch living in Brooklyn-- she won't touch anything inorganic that hasn't been bought from the gourmet grocer that leaves all the kale on the stalks, and she is coked up like a motherfucker. She'll jump up on the bed in the middle of the night like HEY WHAT'RE YOU GUYS DOING UP HERE CAUSE I WAS JUST HOPPING AROUND AND STUFF LIKE I DO AND I FIGURED YOU'D TOTALLY WANT TO GET IN ON THAT. DID YOU HEAR THAT NOISE???? BUT HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THIS YOUR FACE? SHOULD I PUT MY TINY RAZOR NAILS ALL OVER IT? AND OH MY GOD YOUR HAIR IS SO GREAT CAN I JUST TAKE A LITTLE TINY NIBBLE? BUT ACTUALLY DON'T PICK ME UP THOUGH MY BELLY IS SENSITIVE. OMG WHAT WAS THAT NOISE ARE WE GONNA DIE?????
And she totally does eat my hair, though. Originally my mattress just sat on the floor like a typical Brooklynite hobo bed, but I had to actually go out and buy a bed frame like a human after it became clear that if left to her own devices my rabbit would absolutely eat all of my hair off of my head while I slept, which is like... nuts, you know? Who eats hair? It's like a psycho killer thing to do. Thank God I have hair like a damn mermaid or it might've been a much bigger deal.
No but I lied before when I said that she didn't live up to her name, because she actually does mutilate Julien on a fairly regular basis. She originally bit him within minutes of knowing him, and has continued a pattern of abuse that I can't help but bring to his attention when he's scratching behind her ears and she's just purring away like the self-satisfied little monster that she is. She doesn't even purr in any kind of cute way, she just makes a little clicking noise in her nose like a fucking weirdo.
Julien currently has two complete puncture holes in one of his eyes. You read that correctly; the love of my life woke up to a bloody, bleeding goddamn eye after this little beast jumped directly onto his face in the middle of the night like some kind of furry Predator face-baby. It's true that the scar makes him look like a super badass, like a tiny vampire attacked his face-- that is until he has to admit that he lost a fight to a terrified, hopping bag of meat.
Still, all he does is sit silently like an angel, nursing his bloody wounds, while I barricade my bed with a bunny gate, by which I mean that we are actually in a cage all night while she hops around eating her poop and taking tiny micro-naps with her fucking eyes open.
I don't think I've laughed that hard in years. You have truly captured the nature of those big eared razor toothed bags of fur! My parent's rabbit ate all of my shoelaces and my parents had to completely remodel the basement after it chewed the bottoms of all the couches and most of the carpet. Rabbits are almost the worst pets ever and are pretty useless animals besides bringing me candy on Easter. But, I still cheer every time one of those lil' furballed butts makes it's way out of a natural area that I'm setting on fire, go figure.
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